Mistakes

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to fail. I once thought I was strong enough to handle everything, but that's not the case anymore. I've lost a lot of myself these last couple of years. I'm lost and I have no idea where I'm going. A part of me needs to get out of this town, but then another part of me needs to stay. I have to somehow figure out how to find the person I'm supposed to be.

I don't know how I let myself get to this point. I can't seem to keep from falling farther into the darkness. I need to find that one glimmer of hope. I need to find the one thing that will bring me back.

Someday, I'll tell you all my mistakes. But if I can't handle them, that means it isn't time.

Day 5

January 3, 2012

Meal Schedule:

12:00 PM
1 slice of bread
2 turkey slices
1/2 piece of cheese
Mayo
mustard

4:00 PM
1 slice of bread
2 turkey slices
1/2 piece of cheese
mayo
mustard

8:00 PM
2 torillas
4 slices of chicken
1 cheese
romaine
2 grape tomatoes
ranch dressing
clementines

Exercise Schedule:
30 min Bike


So, I think I'm getting sick. BLAH!!!!!! But, I'm not going to let this get me down. I've been making it slowly day by day. I'm still making progress and as each day takes me closer to my goal, I know I can do this. Not for anybody else, but for myself. I need to succeed at this.

Day 4

January 2, 2012

Meal Schedule:

11:30 AM
Macaroni and Cheese
Water

8:00 PM
Tortilla
3 slices of turkey
cheese
Romaine Lettuce
2 grape tomatoes
ranch dressing
macaroni and cheese
milk

Exercise:

30 minute bike ride

So what normally happens is I binge one day and I refuse to eat for three days after. Well, I'm going to start fixing things. I made myself eat today and I've made myself lunch tomorrow. I've also planned a meal schedule and I will follow through with it. I'll eat at 8:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 4:00 PM and 8:00 PM. I will get better. It will take so much time and effort, but I'll make myself do it. I'm also going to start my exercise routine today. I'm going to start with a 30 minute bike ride. This is a good start.

Day 3

January 1, 2012

2:30 PM
Chicken Noodle Soup

4:30 PM
McDonald's
Taco Bell
Milk

5:30 PM
McDonald's
Taco Bell

I just want to be okay for once.

So, after last night. I woke with a hangover and a sense of regret for my actions last night. I ended up texting this guy I really like and telling him that I love him, but when he flirts with other girls and ignores me it feels like there is a knife going into my heart. I know I shouldn't put this on him especially after everything he's been through. But, it hurt so bad last night and I was drunk and stupid and finally had enough.

I texted him today and he didn't have a clue what I was talking about. Thank god!!! But, now he doesn't have a clue as to exactly how I feel about him.

There is just no easy way to do this. Relationships suck and neither of us needs to be hurt anymore. Someday, we may get to a point where this will be okay for us, but until then I have to endure the pain and just keep going.

I need to focus on me anyways. I'm important and I deserve to be happy.

Day 2

December 31, 2011

9:30 AM
Macaroni and Cheese
Water

2:30 PM
Macaroni and Cheese

6:00 PM
Wine
and many more alcoholic beverages

So, New Years Eve. I had my expectations a little higher than I should have and they were shattered. I even made a huge mistake and texted this guy I really, really care about. Though, by some grace of God, he never read the messages and he had no clue what I was talking about when I texted him and apologized. I was drunk and stupid and emotional and a very jealous girl.

I hate myself when this happens. This is one of the things I need to work on.

I made a very unrealistic goal to not drunk text anymore. That didn't even last 10 minutes after midnight. Oh well. It was a nice thought and who knows I may not quit, but I can try to limit the amount I text and to whom. This is going to be tough.

Each resolution will try me and push me more, but I have to succeed at something or what's all this for anyways.

Day 1... Only a Billion more to go

November 30, 2011

Begin working on resolutions.

11:00 AM
Chocolate/Caramel Santa
Hot Chocolate

5:30 PM
Turkey Casserole
Water
Piece of Fudge
Tablespoon of cream cheese icing
Gummy bear

6:30 PM
Bag of Doritos

8:30 PM
3 pieces of Fudge

9:00 PM
Bag of Doritos
Macaroni and Cheese
Red Wine

I need to work on my eating disorder. If I can track when I eat I can begin to find a pattern and when I figure that out I can start working to alter and change it.

By the end of the night all I wanted to do was get drunk and forget about it all.

Oh the new year is going to suck!!!!!!!